What not to say

So we're getting into the adopting process again. (pause for girly giggles and squeals)
And to be honest we're kind of hesitant to tell people. While almost everyone will be happy and supportive, there will be of course that person who unknowingly gives us the 'my friend of my brother's  cousin's adopted, and the child was a mutant with laser eyes that killed the family dog.'

So I'm just going to address that now. Imagine that you treated your friend who just found out they were pregnant this way. I believe it would go something like this.

So you're having a baby? Are you sure that's a good idea? I know someone who wanted to have a baby once, but it didn't work out. It broke her heart. And sometimes babies grow up to be unruly. That baby could break things and have an anger problem. I hear when they're teenagers they can have behavioral issues and even act out. And sometimes babies are born with...disabilities. Do you think you can really care for a child with serious developmental or physical problems? Why would you volunteer for something like that? I'm just not sure you've really thought this thru.

Now would you say this to a pregnant woman? No, because she's hormonal. She would rip your arm off and beat you with it. Well, adoption is a pretty grueling emotional roller coaster. Adoptive parents would do the same thing, but it would put a smudge on those spotless background checks.

Also please know that if you're friend makes a declarative statement like "We're going to adopt" then that is what it is. It's declarative. It's declaring that the decision has already been made. I'm not looking for advise or for you to talk me out of it.

And because I have the option of saying yes or no to a baby, please be gentle. When I was pregnant, the baby I birthed was the baby I took home. It was sort of a no brainer. Adoption requires making a decision about whether a child belongs in your home. This is the most massive decision I've ever made. I'm searching for the Lord's will and terrified to make the wrong decision. If I trust you in the midst of this struggle, be kind. Be gentle. Don't judge. Pray and listen.

I'm looking for you to squeal with me, to daydream about snuggles and all the wonders that come with parenthood.  Honestly, I don't care if you approve. Just pretend you do.

And let me answer the most common question I get as someone who's adopted before. Yes, absolutely I love my adopted baby as much as I love the one I gave birth to! Ask me that one all you want because I will shout that from the rooftop. Adoption is ah-mazing, and God just knit him into our family like he was always there. And I love to tell the story.

That said, when you run across people who are still in the part of adoption where they don't have the child. Hmmm, maybe don't ask. Once again it'd be like asking a pregnant woman if she thinks she'll love her baby. Well of course she does. What woman would purposely get pregnant thinking she won't love the baby? Same thing goes for adoption. Adoption requires a determination I can't explain. Don't plant that seed of doubt. It's just, well, mean.

The truth is that this isn't a decision that happens by accident. There's never been an accidental adoption. It is a scary, exciting, overwhelming decision. It means loads of paperwork, prying interviews with people trying to decide if you're worthy of a child, needing lawyers, going to court dates and having no definitive end date in sight. And by the time we tell you, we are absolutely overjoyed about it!

I'm certainly not saying that you can't ask honest questions about it. There is no question that you can ask that I haven't wrestled with myself. It's a HUGE part of my life, and I want to talk about it. But second hand horror stories just bring me down. And I'm working to have another child. And I'm dang happy about it!

Adoption is a lot of work. In fact, I can't fully explain it. It's sort of like trying to explain your belly getting so big you can't see your toes. Words just don't fully express that or the pains of pregnancy. Nor do they express the joy of seeing your child's face for the first time. Adoption, it's a lot like that.

So ask all the questions you want.
Just ask yourself "How would this sound if I said it to a pregnant woman?"

Um, but never ask an adoptive mother how much she's gained. Adoption is stressful, and sometimes chocolate is the only answer.