So it turns out that I'm ridiculously selfish.
The last month has absolutely been a struggle. Bitty came into our lives, and I haven't been the same since. He rocked my world...
Lemme explain. Each one of my children has taught me something. Well, lots of things but it seems one major theme from each one that has forever changed me. It starts years ago with Gracie. When we found out her diagnosis, I was devastated. And God taught me about trusting him. He taught me about priorities, and that I can trust Him with the very things I treasure the most...even if I don't know what lies ahead.
Then came Seth. He taught me about patience...and not just because he was and is still a bouncing little boy. Three years for the adoption and another year after that for immigration taught me to be still and know that He is God.
But both Gracie and Seth both had something I could tangibly focus my, well, at times hostility. I knew what we were up against, whether it was a deadly disease or governments. God changed me using outside circumstances and so, so much for the better.
To be honest, I assumed that this next child would be no different. I assumed I would be struggling against legal issues or bio parents. I was wrong.
We got the call to tell us that our licensing was just about finished and in the next breath we were told about bitty. This was not the waiting game I had anticipated.
And in a whirlwind he came to our doorstep.
A cps worker showed up with paperwork and a baby and within an hour it was just us. It wasn't the storybook moment I had hoped for. He had been sobbing the whole trip over. His tiny cheeks were red, and he was covered in tears and snot. I don't think I had anticipated the big kid cry that he came with. This was not the newborn cry I had experienced with the other two, and I quickly figured out I didn't actually need a baby monitor.
Then he came down with RSV. There was more crying, from him and me. I found myself tired and frustrated and struggling to be a mother to this tiny stranger in my home.
And that's when I discovered that the thing that I was fighting against this time was, well, me. I'm fighting against my own selfish nature.
I want to have this perfect experience. I want to sleep without being yelled at. Heck I want to not be yelled at. I want him to be a snuggly baby. I want my day to go smoothly and to be this effortless, perfect mother.
So you see the problem...it's I want.
This time the big bad monster I'm fighting against for my child is the person staring back at me in the mirror.
And I'm not what this is about. This is about a tiny little one who deserves to be loved. A bitty who needs to be held even when he's squirmy and fussy. He is this precious child created by God. He's worth dying on a cross for. He needs my patience and my understanding. He needs a gentle touch and soft words from someone who loves him.
And it brings me back to my relationship to God. I am commanded to love the least of these, but I'm struggling. I think it comes down to deciding to love because He first loved me. I have to take the focus off of myself and put it on God. I have to look at this sweet baby thru God's eyes.
I think this may be the hardest lesson I've learned so far from my children, but I know that it's a blessing. I know that this tiny miracle is an answer to my prayers. And when I can see this sweet boy the way my God sees him, then I am going to be a forever changed mother of three.
